My Ravens Comment, Creates a B Paper Sports Blog

As all of you know in Baltimore, I LOVE 2 THINGS. My Ravens and the B Free Daily Paper. I am huge fan of both, so when my Ravens comment creates a B Paper blog story, ya know I had to post it up. I gotta give props to the Insanity on Vensanity sports writter Matt Vensal for doing the blog. It got 19 LIKES under the blog from people on Facebook, the most of any blog I seen on there. It was a masterpiece like Pacso, it even featured my Trailer Park verbal comment on Ray Lewis blasting newly aquired Raven CB Wilson, if he doesnt “Play Like a Raven”.

Here is the direct link to that blog http://weblogs.baltimoresun.com/entertainment/bthesite/vensel/2010/09/does_wilson_play_like_a_raven.html
Check out the blog, also watch the highlight reel of newly aquired CB Josh Wilson, this guy can play!

John Lee Roy Linde AGREES to come back this season

I have some exciting news for Ravens Red Zone readers. “The man” John Lee Roy Linde has agreed to come back for the 2010 Ravens season, as a weekly columnist. Last season, John made a big splash, by seing selected by the Baltimore Sun’s B FREE DAILY PAPER as a weekly Ravens game predictor. Last season, he joined us here, as an EXCLUSIVE columnist.

This is ONE more reason, you want to check us out daily once the season starts. Just like me, John speaks his open mind, which is a perfect fit for the Red Zone. Welcome back John, looking forward to reading your 1st story!!

Does RAVENS OFFICE WORKERS….Read RAVENS RED ZONE?

Whats up peeps! Its 1:20 am in the morning, while you act like a party pooper and are snoozing away, and dreaming you are in the Wizard of Oz looking for Dorthy for some fun, I am here in the Trailer Park, at Ravens Red Zone headquarters, getting ready to type a stroie(Joe Moko’s way to call story) for you sleepyheads!

The biggest mystery for me has been “Does the Ravens professional front office workers(including the Wizard of OZ, Ozzie Newsome) read my blogs here? Is that old man Robert Stack from “Unsolved Mysteries” alive? I need to send him a e-mail if he is. I had a few friend requests sent by lovely young ladies, and on their info page, their employer says Baltimore Ravens. 

I have yet to get a friend request from a Ravens big shot. Well yeah, I had a Ray Lewis imposter send me a friend request he asked for money, so he could have 1 million dollars in POKER CHIPS so he could do some online gambling.

I am known as UNPROFESSIONAL, so its funny to how many FAMOUS people have sent me e-mails and facebook friend requests. One time, while blogging on a S.I. site, a reader commented how UFC Bad*ss Brock Lesner was actually one of my readers. Apparently he liked how I talked abut booze, and smack talk. UFC legend Randy Coutoure, sent me a few messages via facebook.

So Ravens bigshots, its OK, to admit who the “Best Damn Ravens blogger in American history is” its me Tim Lumber, the greatest damn media writer in Trailer Park history!! Give the Trailer Park man some respect Ravens, admit it, admit I am the damn king! For 3 years, I been dying to come to the Ravens Castle JUST TO EAT AT YOUR CAFETERIA! I heard they got shrimp, crabs, choclate milk fountains, I wanna eat there. Dont worry you tightwads, Joe Moko WONT come, he would eat all of your food!

I would like to ask the LITTLE PEOPLE in the Ravens office, to get a Petition going, get all of you to sign it, and tell Ozzie Newsome, you want the Trailer Park KING, to come to your workplace to allow him to go to the cafteria and eat. Screw the rest of the place, I just wanna munch out. Do they have beer there also?

Ravens Office workers BETTER read my stroies, I am the most original Ravens writer in America, and the MOST FAMOUS outside of Baltimore! I want me 2 Press Passes also.

Crybabys Make a RAVENS S*CK MYSPACE PAGE!!

I was scrolling through the web, trying to find something good to write about, when I came across this damn “Ravens S*ck Myspace page. Here is the link to this garbage http://www.myspace.com/im_high_maintenance 

As usuall its a bunch of Squeeler fans, doing what they do best, and squeeing like the bunch of pigs they are! Admit it Sh*ttsburgh, you hate us, because we are better than you. We aint the 1996 Ravens anymore! We are the Ravens, who make the playoffs every year…how come you all didnt make it last year lol?

This is Joe Moko’s tuesday, so I told him about this retard Myspace page. “Yo, make me a Myspace page, I wanna send these dorks a message. Why everyone trying to call us criminals. Yo, I like Michael Jackson, I a smooth criminal”.  Here we see a Squeeler fan, still crying about us stealing Clevelands team….haha. Yeah, read this Bozo’s shirt. We still s*ck, thats why we made the playoffs last year, while you all didnt. You have room to talk, you have a QB who is the deffinition of *sshole. Some role model he is. Yeah let me set the record straight….yeah we stole Clevelands team, and we are proud of it! Nobody mentions Indy, for stealing our team. Maybe if Cleveland would have built the Browns a new stadium instead of them reject Indians, they would not have left.
This is the best line you can come up with for a t-shirt? Dont quit your day job Jim Carrey!
 You should post a picture of Little Ben Roethlisbergers mugshot up as well, being he has been locked up a few more times than Ray. How long are people going to call the Ravens Jailbirds? I mean damn lol, we aint had a player behind bars in like 2 years now. They also have a pic of Jamal Lewis in a drug room(fake pic of his face). He aint on the Ravens anymore retards. He went to the Brownies, got busted up, and retired.

Our division hates Ray Lewis, simply because he busts up their star players. Look at Mendenhall, Ray Lewis seperated his shoulder. Lewis blasted Ochocinco. And he ended Jamal Lewis’s career. After Lewis met Lewis, he didnt want to play foozeball anymore.

My message to Raven haters is this: Quit crying! We make the playoffs every damn year. So we dont s*ck too bad. There is a saying in sports”If you cant beat them, join them” well maybe you crybabys should join us. Like it or not, we will win the damn Super Bowl this year! Who Dey? Not the Saints, the Ravens!!

LOKO…MOKO TUESDAY!!

Yo, what up bmore? Show the big man some love. Yo, I gotta clear da air real quick. Not one bee-atch had the balls to e-mail thy last week. Nobody from Pittsburgh, Cinncinati, or Cleveland. Thatz because no one in their right mindz, wantz to battle me yo.  I weigh 438 pounds, im a big boy. Yo, I love my Raven fans in bmore.

Yo, I was pissed my bar didnt put the Ravens game on. The bartender tells me, they order direct tv nfl before the season opener. I came close to popping him. Only reason I didnt, was cause he is like 90 years old. I dont know if he can survive one my uppercuts with all my body weight behind me…dig me?

I did get into a argument this week. This little man, had on a Chiefs shirt. I said they s*ck. He tries to act all bad, and get up in my grill. I told him, yo, i will slap your hair off your face shrimp. His boy acts like his little boney buddy is bad. He like, yo you dont wanna go to jail for beating up this fat pig. I said yo, this fat pig will beat both of you down. I said I can tape my knuckles up real fast, and we can exchange blows.

Yo, I like Ray Lewis, I will blitz yo *ss, and tackle you on the concrete. Imagine me, on top of you throwing blows. My 438 pound frame, punching you in the grill, screaming in anger. Yo, thats what that Chief fan almost got himself, a free *ss whipping. My boy Tim, sign auotgraphs with a ink pen, yo, i give autographs with my knuckle.

I wanna say what up Ravens. Yo, I hear you like to read my stroies(stories). Yo, yall better beat them jets. I give Rex Ryan some props, trying to get us fat people involved in sports. But yo, Ravens gonna stomp them New Yorkers. Thats it for now cuz, gotta run, got the munchies for some Nathans hotdogs.

Guy Gets FAKE Ravens Tat2 on His Face, and Goes to Pittsburgh!

Johnny Hookle got a Henna Tat2 while down Ocean City, Maryland. The kid has the dough he tells me, so he decided on the spur of the moment to go to Pittsburgh, and go to a sports bar and see what they think of his face tat2. “I got my Henna tattoo to make my face look like a Raven bird” he tells me. “I walk into this fancy sports bar in the Burgh, and its like someone paused a DVD movie, they just paused as I walked in”.

“I yell, Go Ravens”. That is when he was struck in the face by a Heineken bottle, splitting his Raven Tat2′d face! “I was bleeding like pinnata” says Hookle. “My buddie asks for the *sshole who threw the bottle to step up”. That is when things ONLY got worst. A guy in the 6′5″ range stepped up. “He put my buddie to sleep with one punch” says Hookle.

The barmaid dialed 9-1-1. As Hookle was on a stretcher, he gave them Squeeler fans the Middle Finger. “When I stuck it up, the actual paramedic told me he would break my finger and (BEEP) you get the point.

This is more shocking than a electric wire! I mean come on kids, we all knew how Squeeler fans really are. But this was tasteless, just like them nasty *ss Pittsburgh Micro-Brews! People continue to HATE us Raven fans! And my message to you haters….keep it comin bee-atches! I can school all of you non-verbal skilled retards! WHY? Because I live in Baltimore, and I am a drunken Ravens fan!

I told “Ravens Red Zone” columnist Joe Moko about this Hookle story. “Yo, the chump who threw a beer bottle at my boy, and KO’d the other, step up” says Moko. “I am calling you out right now. I am calling out any man from Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, or any wimp from Cleveland. I will bash your face in. I weigh 438 pounds, your best option is to run” says the bad*ss Joe Moko.

Moko also told me to put down his e-mail address in case some “Dumb and Dumber” reject wants to exchange blows with him. Joe Moko’s e-mail is joemoko1@gmail.com “Yo, you dont like the Ravens, then I will beat your *ss” Moko says. It sounds like YOU have 2 options, make the Ravens YOUR favorite team, or get a free beating from Joe Moko…hahaha, whats it going to be….Yeah I thought so…you want to be a Ravens fan!

I HATE YOUR GUTTS…..PRESEASON FOOTBALL!!!!

Let me clear my throat! My Trailer Home is filled with more smoke than Cheech and Chong’s dump, I keep burping from this Rolling Rock. Its 1:47 am, while you sleep away, I am making a statement! Yeah bucktooth, I blog on the Ravens….but this is the preseason! I have NOT watched one game this damn season!

Preseason is the biggest scam! Why do I want some half-*ss reject who will be playing in Canada next year? 1st year we stole our Ravens from them drunks in Cleveland, we went 4-0 in the preseason. The whole town was pumped up like Rocky Balboa on steroids! We got our *ss kicked all season long.

We played the preseason like it was the hootin Super Bowl. I did watch 5 minutes of the Ravens/Redskins game. As soon as I heard “Somebody please tell the Ravens this is only preseason” I thought “yeah, let me turn on cops”.

Is Wacco Flacco OVERATED?

  I have been a big supporter of “The Wacco” Joe Flacco for some time now. But Flacco has NEVER outplayed a elite NFL QB in the 2 years he has played. Yeah we beat Brady in the playoffs, but with like 5 turnovers in 1st Quarter, deep in their territory, “The Water Buffalo” Scott Mitchell could have driven us to the points we got in that game. Marc Bulger in my opinion could lead us to the Super Bowl. Alot of these aging NFL QB’s appear to somehow get better later in the careers. Bulger once ran “The Greatest Show on Turf” and we could use a passing game like that!

I cussed Flacco out so many times, watching the game’s on TV last year. He had a bad back, but he looked like a drunken senior citizen at times!  I’m glad I wasnt betting any money last year. Good thing my bookie moved to NY 5 years ago, or I would have been BANKRUPT! At least someone had the balls to tell him to face he sucked last season!

That was Michael Oher’s mom, she told him he should not be in the NFL last year on a team elevator. Flacco just smiled, but Oher should have sacked him! Or smacked him lol! Flacco has alot of potential! He is a overhyped QB at the moment. Yeah he can hit a piece of flying clay at a gun range with a football, I seen his Reebok commercial, but YET he cant hit a open WR 5 yards away. Im wondering if that Reebok commercial was fake, if not it must have took him like 5 days of shooting just to hit one damn piece of clay!

This year is clearly make or break for him! I believe the Ravens picked up Bulger for a reason! Wacco Flacco was pissed when they signed him! And who knows what the Ravens ideas are. They have a “Wizard of Oz” sitting in their GM office! Bulger has outplayed Flacco so far. He has a quicker release, and he doesnt run like “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” see Flacco.

Is Wacco Flacco overhyped? YES! He needs to prove what he can do this season. If not, ship him off to Cleveland, they will gladly take our rejects!

Joe Moko TUESDAY…every Tuesday its MOKO TIME!

Ladies and gentleman, if you dont know what today is….then you may have amnesia! Every tuesday, the fatman Joe Moko the 438 pound former amatuer hotdog eating champion, and current illegal bareknuckel hillbilly fighter Joe Moko will have his weekly column posted. This week Moko is pissed, his friend tricked him into going fishing for crappie, and he missed the Ravens exhibition game saturday night at his local pub! Here is Moko’s weekly column…

Yo, I dont givez a crap about crappie fish. Yo, my boy took me out on his piece of sh*tty 1982 Seafinder boat, to catch some Crappie. I never knew crappie were so damn little yo. Its 5pm and we getz lost out there. I got pissed yo, I threw my boys fishing rod in the water. He tried to push me off his crappy boat to get the rod, I weigh 438lbs, i wasnt budging. I shoved a nightcrawler in his mouth, he already had dog breath, maybe it helped his breath get fresher.

Yo, I get real angry when some redneck makes me miss the Ravens game. Thats my chill time, its my Coors Light time. I drinkz light beer, since I pack on pounds easier than a elephant. My boy did bring 2 packs of cold Nathans hotdogs, I ate them in like 5 minutes yo, I need to get back in this hotdog eating circuit.

I will see next game at the pub, plan on getting blasted and starting a fight. Its a common occurance for me to watch a Ravens game here in the Max(Max Meadows) and after the game, I am so pumped yo, I gotta start a fight with the toughest guy I can find. Well as long as they dont have a girlfriend with them. Them country girls like to swing purses and beer bottles when you beat there mans *ss in the pub.

I wanna say go Ravens. Yo, I think you all can win the Super Bowl this year. I talk to you all next week.

Washington DeadSkins…..Hail to the MORONS!

For 10 years, Redskins owner Jack Kent Cook, kept Baltimore from getting a NFL team. For 10 plus years, we were forced to watch the damn Redskins games on TV everyweek. The NFL had them listed as our hometown team, before we got the Ravens. Thanks to former Governer William Donald Schafer, and his endless fight, we now have the Ravens. So what if we stole the team from Cleveland…we gave them a better stadium, and more classy fans!

Every year, we play these damn Deadskins…they call it “The Battle of the Beltway”. Well every year we beat the sh*t out of them. We “OWN THE BELTWAY WASHINGTON” so get off the road, before you get ran over!  Whats that white stuff on your hair? Its NOT DANDRUFF, its Ravens Bird Sh*t, the Ravens are flying by just like fighter jets, dropping you drunks off a courtesy present!

The 1st time the Ravens ever went to Washington, the Redskins were so pissed we had a team, they made poor old Art Model, and the Ravens, park there bus in the fans parking lot, even charging them $20 to PARK! This isnt a joke either, you can look it up on the web! They had to walk like 5 minutes to get to the stadium.

So there is a hatred! If someone plays the DeadSkins fight song one more time, I am going to call Joe Moko up, and have him bash there little boom box on the pavement! The song says “Hail to the Redskins” my version is “Hail to the Morons”! This is the team, that pays too much for players, this is why the team s*cks! Fat Albert Haynsworth, got 100 million, now he is the teams biggest slacker! It took this fat*ss 5 attempts just to pass the team physical!

You are going to Las Vegas this weekend? Put down your money on the Ravens. This is MORE than a exhibition game. The team still has hatred for making them park their bus and pay $20 just to park. Yeah, we won that game by the way. We always beat the DeadSkins!!